What wasn't to be

I was reading through my last post, at the time blissfully unaware of how drastically our lives would change in just a few short days.  Last Friday, September 16, Brian and I met in the parking lot of the Baby Impressions 3D Ultrasound store. We had decided that even though it was early at 13 weeks 3 days, we really wanted to take a shot to see what this baby was so that we could surprise everyone before my mom moves to Afghanistan for a year for work.

All started off well, we saw the baby wave at us, beautiful little fingers.  We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time because the doctor who did the initial scan couldn't get the sound right.  It was a beautiful, familiar sound and it brought me so much peace.  I mentioned to the tech that this baby had made us nervous and that is when our world crashed down around us.  She got quiet, then said she shouldn't say anything but something didn't look right to her with the baby's head.  I saw it to, of course I thought it might be normal or early but I saw it too.  The rest of the appointment was in anxious silence.  She suggested we speak to our doctor as soon as possible.  Crap.  It was Friday, the doctor was already closed. I could not go a whole weekend thinking something was terribly wrong with my baby (a baby this tech said was a girl).  I called the on call nurse at my OB and waited.  It was taking too long for me, I told Brian to take me to the ER.

On the way we made the phone calls we needed to make, "no, we don't know what is wrong", "yes, maybe its just something simple or better yet, nothing at all", "yeah I think the doctor would have noticed last week if something was wrong, this will just make me feel better".  We got to the ER and I finally heard from my OB office.  They suggested we leave the ER and meet them at their office, they would open for us.  We were met by a nurse and an ultrasound tech, Jamie and Andrea (angels if there ever were any here on earth).  Andrea began the scan and I immediately knew something bad was going on.  She didn't speak much but when she did she said the word "Acrania", "100% fatal" and "I'm sorry".  I remember asking if I would miscarry and she said no, I was dumbfounded.  This baby, with this fatal condition, would continue to grow and thrive in my body but would never survive outside.  How cruel a fate.  How devastating a choice to make.

We were sent up to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors just one floor up where the doctor there confirmed the diagnosis.  He said these type of neural tube defects are prevented by folic acid.  I was taking folic acid, I had been since I got pregnant with Cason and the entire time I was nursing.  He said they had no answers for women who took the proper folic acid but only recommended that I now take 10x's the amount recommended, I wish I had know that in time to save my sweet baby, who had now been confirmed as a boy.

The weekend was a blur, a lot of tears, a lot of "why's", a lot of anger.  On Monday I went to the doctor and they inserted cervadil.  On Tuesday morning, I was admitted to the hospital to deliver my sweet boy at 14 weeks.

Today has been 1 week since this ordeal began.  I don't think I will ever be the same, then again...I don't want to be.

Michael Chace Jewell will be our angel and I will work my whole life to make him proud that I am his mommy.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

   Then she whispered as she closed the book,  "Too beautiful for earth."

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" 

"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."