Tuesday, September 27, 2011

1 week

This time last week, Brian and I were arriving at the hospital to prep for surgery.  It seems like months ago, not a week.  I'm still in disbelief that this happened to us, what did we do wrong, why did our baby have to go?  I don't know that I will ever understand.  Maybe I'm not meant to.  I keep retracing every step since the pregnancy test...did I take some medicine, do some activity I shouldn't have?  It may drive me crazy, I have to find a way to not be consumed by this...to come to terms with the fact that I may never know why our sweet boy had this horrible defect.

My mind has begun to wander back to normal life and I'm terrified...I feel like I should never be normal again.  I know I have to get back to life, but does getting back to life mean I am forgetting him?  Moving on?  That is my fear.  I will never stop loving him, I know its irrational...I can't help it.

I made an attempt to busy myself yesterday.  I bought fabric and re-covered my dining room chairs.  I also did a Halloween project with the kids that turned out really cute.  It did a little to soothe my soul and heart but today I feel like I am back to square one.  I think I'll be wearing out that square over the next few months.

I'm scheduled for jury duty next week.  I knew I had to go get the info out of the closet so I could ask for a postponement but I also knew that info was in the same folder as the gift certificate for the ultrasound that unraveled my entire life so I've avoided it, until this morning...I definitely had a mini breakdown getting that folder out, I was so happy the last time I opened that folder...so happy.

On a positive note, Alyssa was chosen to participate in Duke University's TIP program.  I signed her up this morning to take the SAT on December 3.  This is a huge honor that can open many doors for her and I am very proud.  She qualified by scoring in the 97th percentile on the ITBS Reading vocabulary test.  She's smart and beautiful, and mine...proof that God is good.

chair before:

chair after:

art project:

Monday, September 26, 2011


This weekend, Brian and I went to get tattoos in memory of our baby boy.  We ended up at Amber Island tattoo in Easley with Sam.  Sam was amazing and as we told our story, she listened...not like the "uh huh, that's so sad" listened...she had tears in her eyes and she cared.  The tattoo is exactly what I wanted to pay tribute to my son, something I can look at anytime I want to remember what an impact his short life had.  I love you Chace, and I miss you every day.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Tonight for dinner, Brian made ribs...ribs I bought when I was still pregnant with Chace...happily awaiting those first flutters and kicks...just another punch in the gut tonight.

For information


I will be doing my part to spread awareness.  There is not enough information out there.

What wasn't to be

I was reading through my last post, at the time blissfully unaware of how drastically our lives would change in just a few short days.  Last Friday, September 16, Brian and I met in the parking lot of the Baby Impressions 3D Ultrasound store. We had decided that even though it was early at 13 weeks 3 days, we really wanted to take a shot to see what this baby was so that we could surprise everyone before my mom moves to Afghanistan for a year for work.

All started off well, we saw the baby wave at us, beautiful little fingers.  We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time because the doctor who did the initial scan couldn't get the sound right.  It was a beautiful, familiar sound and it brought me so much peace.  I mentioned to the tech that this baby had made us nervous and that is when our world crashed down around us.  She got quiet, then said she shouldn't say anything but something didn't look right to her with the baby's head.  I saw it to, of course I thought it might be normal or early but I saw it too.  The rest of the appointment was in anxious silence.  She suggested we speak to our doctor as soon as possible.  Crap.  It was Friday, the doctor was already closed. I could not go a whole weekend thinking something was terribly wrong with my baby (a baby this tech said was a girl).  I called the on call nurse at my OB and waited.  It was taking too long for me, I told Brian to take me to the ER.

On the way we made the phone calls we needed to make, "no, we don't know what is wrong", "yes, maybe its just something simple or better yet, nothing at all", "yeah I think the doctor would have noticed last week if something was wrong, this will just make me feel better".  We got to the ER and I finally heard from my OB office.  They suggested we leave the ER and meet them at their office, they would open for us.  We were met by a nurse and an ultrasound tech, Jamie and Andrea (angels if there ever were any here on earth).  Andrea began the scan and I immediately knew something bad was going on.  She didn't speak much but when she did she said the word "Acrania", "100% fatal" and "I'm sorry".  I remember asking if I would miscarry and she said no, I was dumbfounded.  This baby, with this fatal condition, would continue to grow and thrive in my body but would never survive outside.  How cruel a fate.  How devastating a choice to make.

We were sent up to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors just one floor up where the doctor there confirmed the diagnosis.  He said these type of neural tube defects are prevented by folic acid.  I was taking folic acid, I had been since I got pregnant with Cason and the entire time I was nursing.  He said they had no answers for women who took the proper folic acid but only recommended that I now take 10x's the amount recommended, I wish I had know that in time to save my sweet baby, who had now been confirmed as a boy.

The weekend was a blur, a lot of tears, a lot of "why's", a lot of anger.  On Monday I went to the doctor and they inserted cervadil.  On Tuesday morning, I was admitted to the hospital to deliver my sweet boy at 14 weeks.

Today has been 1 week since this ordeal began.  I don't think I will ever be the same, then again...I don't want to be.

Michael Chace Jewell will be our angel and I will work my whole life to make him proud that I am his mommy.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,
   Then she whispered as she closed the book,  "Too beautiful for earth."

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" 

"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

Friday, September 9, 2011

Catching up

So much has happened since I abandoned my blog (whoops).  I finished my masters!! whoop whoop!  We have relocated the Jewell clan to a bigger house in a neighborhood we LOVE and best part...it has an extra bedroom because....we are havin another baby!  I am just over 12 weeks pregnant with what *better* be the last Jewellbean.  We had an ultrasound yesterday and our OB is guessing another boy!  Hopefully we will know for sure soon.  I will be adding pics shortly!  Stay tuned!