This time last week, Brian and I were arriving at the hospital to prep for surgery. It seems like months ago, not a week. I'm still in disbelief that this happened to us, what did we do wrong, why did our baby have to go? I don't know that I will ever understand. Maybe I'm not meant to. I keep retracing every step since the pregnancy test...did I take some medicine, do some activity I shouldn't have? It may drive me crazy, I have to find a way to not be consumed by this...to come to terms with the fact that I may never know why our sweet boy had this horrible defect.
My mind has begun to wander back to normal life and I'm terrified...I feel like I should never be normal again. I know I have to get back to life, but does getting back to life mean I am forgetting him? Moving on? That is my fear. I will never stop loving him, I know its irrational...I can't help it.
I made an attempt to busy myself yesterday. I bought fabric and re-covered my dining room chairs. I also did a Halloween project with the kids that turned out really cute. It did a little to soothe my soul and heart but today I feel like I am back to square one. I think I'll be wearing out that square over the next few months.
I'm scheduled for jury duty next week. I knew I had to go get the info out of the closet so I could ask for a postponement but I also knew that info was in the same folder as the gift certificate for the ultrasound that unraveled my entire life so I've avoided it, until this morning...I definitely had a mini breakdown getting that folder out, I was so happy the last time I opened that folder...so happy.
On a positive note, Alyssa was chosen to participate in Duke University's TIP program. I signed her up this morning to take the SAT on December 3. This is a huge honor that can open many doors for her and I am very proud. She qualified by scoring in the 97th percentile on the ITBS Reading vocabulary test. She's smart and beautiful, and mine...proof that God is good.